Myths about Depression
According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 18.5% of U.S. adults aged 18 and over have been diagnosed with depression. Despite its prevalence, depression is often misunderstood and mischaracterized by the media and popular culture, and the medical establishment has failed to counter these myths and misperceptions, leaving those diagnosed with the disorder to struggle on their own to find answers. They are often left to navigate how depression feels and how it impacts relationships, finances, careers, and life plans without support or guidance. For better or for worse, many of us will have our first brush with what depression is through some type of popular media that both reflects and creates many of the depression myths with we have absorbed into our collective consciousness.
In 2015, season two of the anti-romantic-comedy series You’re the Worst presented a surprisingly nuanced portrayal of depression that played out against the backdrop of two people navigating the early stages of a relationship. Gretchen, one half of this couple, finds herself struggling to connect emotionally with her boyfriend Jimmy after moving into his home in an upscale part of L.A. As they figure out what it looks and feels like to be in love and under the same roof, she becomes more and more disillusioned with herself as Jimmy tries to understand why the fun and electrifying woman he was so drawn to is losing her spark. As the story unfolds, the series addresses some of the biggest myths about depression head on and with a lot of humor.
Depression Myth Number One: Depression is a One-and-Done Disorder
One of the most common reactions I see in clients who return to therapy after years of remission following a depressive episode is confusion that they are “back here again”. As one of my clients put it, “No one told me it could come back. I didn’t know or I would have paid attention.” That feeling of disbelief is exactly what Gretchen experiences when her depression comes out of remission. Early in the season, she knows something is “off”, but she clings to hope that she’s just stressed about work or struggling with a period of adjustment after moving in with Jimmy. The moment of clarity comes during her housewarming party, when she stares blankly into the distance, surrounded by friends and colleagues, unable to feel anything at all. She migrates to her bedroom, lying down with her shoes still on, semi-fetal and unable to even close her eyes. Lindsey, her best friend since college, comes into the room and sits at the foot of the bed, her hand resting on Gretchen’s leg. She utters the simple question, “It’s back, isn’t it?”
When Gretchen tries to ease into telling Jimmy by sharing about her struggles with a depressive episode nearly a decade prior in college, he is disinterested, even dismissive, implying that she’s lucky because “science cured that now”. As she tries to tell him the depression is reemerging, he remains entrenched in his own optimistic ignorance until he finally must acknowledge that Gretchen is struggling with something that is not just sadness or the day-to-day boredom of adulting. He is confused and hurt by the timing of her disclosure, coming so soon after they moved in together.
Depression Myth Number Two: Depression is Triggered by a Bad Event
Though there are mood disorders that can be linked to trauma or the loss of a loved one, Major Depressive Disorder and Persistent Depressive Disorder often emerge spontaneously and without an identifiable trigger. The onset of a depressive episode can almost feel like a betrayal if it comes on the heels of a positive event or an upward trajectory in life. One of the biggest barriers to Gretchen acknowledging her depression is that the episode sets in during a time when she is on a comparative upswing. She is in love and committed to a new relationship. A minor crisis at work has transitioned into a new period of professional confidence and trust with her most important client. Her friendship with Lindsey is back on solid ground after the other woman finally ends her stagnant marriage to a boring man. At a peak time in her life, she is emotionally and mentally lower than she has been in years. As Jimmy tries to accept Gretchen’s reassurances that the timing of her mental health issues is purely coincidence, he is skeptical and uncertain that he isn’t partially responsible for what she is going through. He is also wrestling with how her diagnosis has fundamentally shifted how he sees her as both a person and a partner.
Depression Myth Number Three: A Person with Depression Can’t Be a Good Partner
In my clinical experience, it is very common for people with depression to choose not to disclose their diagnosis when they are dating or in the early stages of a relationship. One client recently shared that she only discusses her depression if a potential partner shares a similar diagnosis first. She couldn’t even remember why she put this personal policy in place, but she has been practicing it for nearly half a decade. When asked about her motives, she was very direct about fearing rejection or being seen as a less desirable option as a potential partner.
One of Gretchen’s major reservations about telling Jimmy her mental health history is fear that he will see her differently once she discloses, and he does. As the second half of the season unfolds, Jimmy hits a professional crisis as Gretchen’s depression worsens. He feels insecure, unsupported, and taken for granted. She feels detached, unsupported and resentful that he is holding her responsible for his creative block. He misses having fun together and enjoying the sexual attraction that drew them to each other. She misses him relating to her with anything other than frustration and guilt.
In a particularly insightful scene, the couple is fighting in their living room. Jimmy is standing over Gretchen as she lies on a sofa, facing away from him. His is raising his voice as he expressed his disappointment in her. She is staring into the distance as she texts him responses on her phone, too lethargic to even speak. He sees this as the act of a petulant child. She is too emotionally numb to even care anymore. When she stops responding, he looks terrified and panicked. He leaves, but he quickly comes back. She has her first moment of genuine emotion in weeks. They share a sense of real connection with each other that comes from honesty and gratitude. Jimmy understands that he must be a good partner to have a good partner. He stops trying to “fix” Gretchen and starts framing her depression as a disorder that she has, not who she is.
Depression Myth Number Four: Depressed is a Personality Type
One of the first clients I worked with independently after getting my license was a woman with a long history of undiagnosed depression. She was married. She had children. She worked outside the home. She finished her education. All of this happened during a decade in which she was struggling through life without treatment or any real mental health support. When she was finally diagnosed, her partner was dismissive, telling her that she had accomplished too much to be depressed. Instead, he told her, she just had a “sad sack personality”. When her depression improved with medication and talk therapy, he made passive-aggressive comments that she was letting other people change who she was. He framed her improved mental health as a personality shift, not the result of treating a disease that was impacting her behavior and functioning.
As Gretchen accepts that her depression is out of remission and Jimmy comes to understand that depression isn’t just “the sads real bads”, they start to open a frank dialog about how to move forward. When Gretchen discloses that she does not want to take medication, Jimmy is floored and confronts her resistance. Gretchen voices a fear that mediation will change her too much, cause her to “lose my edge”. It is Jimmy who makes the observation that her edge has always been there, no matter what. He loves her edge. He does not enjoy her emotional detachment, her lack of libido, or her desire to sleep 18 hours a day. He reminds her that depression is a disorder that can be treated and managed, and it is not what defines her as a person. She agrees to try but also defends her right to make the treatment choices that she feels are correct for her. He accepts that as the compromise of loving someone who has depression.
Written by Deanna Diamond, LPC
