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  • Why It’s Okay to Say No: Tips on Assertiveness and Boundaries

    Today’s American society no longer values leisure time, relaxation, and connecting with others face-to-face as it did a few decades ago. Instead, it exalts self-sacrifice, constant availability, and technological connections. Many of us struggle with the ability to manage all the “shoulds” that are imposed upon us. We have not found aa way to say no to the demands placed upon us because we are afraid that we may disappoint, miss out, or be judged. However, saying no is a vital skill that can help us manage our stress, honor our boundaries, and maintain healthy relationships. So how do we learn to say no and really mean it? Through the practice being assertive in both word and deed, saying no and staying true to our decision is the key.

    The Power of Saying No

    Saying no is about aligning your actions with your needs and values first, focusing on your self-respect and self-care. Do you find yourself burned out, stressed, and resenting those who impose unnecessary demands on your time? If so, say yes to saying no! By doing so, you will free up time to focus on what really matters to you, whether it is relationships, personal goals, your mental well-being, or a treasured hobby. Begin by taking small steps, be consistent, and remember: every no is a yes to something more important.

    How Assertiveness Helps You Take Control

    What do you think of when you hear the word assertive? What picture comes to mind? A common misunderstanding is that assertiveness is the same thing as aggression, but it is not. It is not about being rude, dismissive, or in someone’s face. Assertiveness is about confidently expressing your needs, thoughts, and feelings in a way that honors you, respects others, and helps you maintain your boundaries. It is necessary for successful communication, empowering you to be free from the guilt of saying no and allows you to stand by your decision without being afraid of a disagreement. Can you imagine how much your relationships could benefit from you being more assertive?

    Tips to being assertive:

    · Be honest and direct: Respectfully and clearly communicate your decision.

    · Use “I” Statements: Focus on your feelings (e.g., “I need time for myself” instead of “You’re asking too much”).

    · Remain firm: Do not overexplain or unduly apologize.

    · Offer alternatives if appropriate: “I need time to myself this weekend, but I am available a week from now.”

    Setting Boundaries: Your Stress Management Toolkit

    When I think of boundaries, I think back to my childhood. I had a cousin about five years old that was unhappy with her mom, so she decided to run away. To her surprise, when she announced her intention to her mom, her mom helped her pack the little suitcase. Out the door she went down the driveway and stopped at the fence. She sat the suitcase down and plopped down beside it. She knew her boundary.

    Boundaries define what you are willing or not willing to accept, what you are willing to do or not do. They also define your comfort level and how you expect to be treated. Boundaries keep us from getting overwhelmed by life’s demands. They are essential to our mental well-being and critical for managing our stress.

    Tips to setting boundaries:

    · Know your priorities: Identify what is important to you and how far you are willing to go before drawing the line.

    · Communicate clearly: Respectfully let others know your boundaries.

    · Follow through: Be consistent with your limits.

    Are you tired of the stress and strain associated with overcommitments? Are you tired of arguments and miscommunications? Are you going and doing beyond what feels acceptable and comfortable just to make someone else happy? If you are, there is hope is learning to say no, being assertive, and setting boundaries. These are necessary tools for leading a more fulfilling and balanced lifestyle. Start small and by all means allow yourself to take a moment of pause to carefully consider each request before agreeing or disagreeing. By doing so, you will make space for those things that add value to your life. Remember, mean what you say and say what you mean. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.

    If you are struggling with communication issues, setting boundaries, or stress management, we are here to help. The use of therapy can assist you in learning how to identify your values, set boundaries accordingly, and gain practice in communicating them to others. We would love you help you take back your life from the roller coaster of being lost in others for the sake of yourself.

    Written by Rhonda Gates, LPC Associate; Supervised by Jenai Tidwell, LPC Supervisor