Breaking the Cycle of Codependency
How many times have you found yourself bending over backward to make someone else happy, even when you’re running on empty? Now, there’s nothing wrong with being a caring and supportive person. Still, when you’re giving more than you’re receiving and constantly putting someone else’s needs above your own, this could be codependency.
What Is Codependency?
Codependency is when you’re so focused on someone else, like your romantic partner, your bestie, or even a family member, that you start putting their needs and wants above your own. I’m not referring to the cute “I’ll share my fries with you” kind of care. It is more like self-sacrifice that leaves you feeling like you don’t even know who you are without that person. If the thought of them not being in your life sends you into a panic or fear, you’re entering codependency territory.
When you are codependent, your self-worth becomes wrapped up in that relationship. You may stay in a toxic situation to avoid feeling that empty void. Or worse, if the relationship ends, it can feel like your entire sense of worth is also gone.
Signs of Codependency
If you’re noticing these behaviors are an everyday thing, it might be time for a change.
Lack of Boundaries: Do you find it hard to say “no” even when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or don’t want to do something? Yep, that’s codependency creeping in. Healthy relationships need boundaries to thrive.
People-Pleasing: If you’re always doing things to keep the peace or make the other person happy, even if it makes you unhappy, you’re not being kind, you’re being codependent.
Low Self-Esteem: This one is big. Codependency often comes with a side of feeling “not good enough.” You may feel only valuable when you’re making someone else happy or fulfilling their needs. It’s time to give yourself some credit.
Fear of Abandonment: Do you stick around even when the relationship is toxic because of fear of being alone? Or maybe you constantly worry that they’ll leave if you don’t do exactly what they want. Either way, it’s not healthy.
Controlling Behavior: This can go both ways. Sometimes, being codependent is trying to control the situation or even the person, to keep them from leaving. It’s not about being bossy; it’s about feeling like if things aren’t a certain way, things will fall apart.
Caretaking: It is okay to be there for someone else’s emotional needs. But if you find yourself always fixing their problems, making excuses for them, or even taking on their responsibilities, you might be doing too much.
Why People Stay in Codependent Relationships
Codependency often stems from fears like being alone, not feeling good enough, or avoiding conflict. If your needs have been ignored in past relationships, you might believe self-sacrifice is the only way to keep people around. But that’s not true you have worth on your own.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Stop Codependency
The good news is, that you can overcome codependency! It won’t happen overnight, but taking baby steps will eventually get you there. Here’s what you can start doing today:
Set Boundaries Like Your Life Depends on It (Because It Does)
Practice saying “no” and letting that be a complete sentence. You don’t owe anybody a long-winded explanation for why you’re choosing yourself.
Get Comfortable with Discomfort
Standing up for yourself and changing these patterns might feel awkward or even scary. That’s okay, it’s supposed to. Do it anyway.
Focus on Your Self-Worth
Start recognizing things you bring to the table such as your talents, kindness, and humor. You’re not only valuable because you take care of people; you’re valuable just because you’re you.
Stop “Fixing” Everyone Else
You’re not everybody’s personal therapist, doctor, or bank account. If someone needs help, let them ask for it, and then decide if you want to help, not just because you feel like you have to.
Talk to Someone
Therapy can help people untangle these issues. If you’re struggling to get out of the codependency cycle, it can help to talk to someone who knows how to guide you through it.
Treatment for Codependency: What Can Help?
Therapy: Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you identify and change the thought patterns contributing to codependent behaviors. You’ll learn to set boundaries, build self-esteem, and develop healthier ways to relate to others.
Support Groups: There are groups like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) where you can meet people working through similar issues. It’s always comforting to know you’re not the only one dealing with this.
Self-Care Practices: Regularly engaging in activities that bring you joy whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or just taking a nap can help shift the focus back onto yourself.
Journaling: This can help you identify your feelings and track your progress as you work on breaking those codependent habits.
Remember, you deserve to have a relationship where both people are putting in the same amount of effort. No one should have to lose themselves to keep someone else happy. You’re not a supporting character in someone else’s life story; you’re the main character in your own.
So, if any of this resonated with you, take a step back and look at how you’re showing up in your relationships. If it feels like you’re doing the most, it’s time to shift that energy back to yourself. It’s okay to be there for others, but don’t forget to be there for you first.
Now go out there and start setting some boundaries, because you deserve to be loved and respected without sacrificing your sense of self.
Written by Constence Moss, LPC
