Tips for Setting Boundaries with Family During the Holidays

The holidays give families the opportunity to gather and practice their unique cultural traditions, eat delicious meals at the dinner table, and create lifelong memories. Many look forward to the beautiful moments with our families with hopes of connection and joy. On the other hand, this can also be a time when people find the holidays stressful because of conflicts and feuds within the family. Gatherings may bring up old wounds, misunderstandings, or unmet expectations leading to the holidays being a time when difficult relationships will be tested, especially when it comes to families.  

So how can we prepare ourselves and cope with the stress and anxiety of the holiday season? Start by thinking about what exactly may cause stress or trigger us when reuniting with our families. The goal here is to prioritize our emotional safety. Some specific situations that may cause holiday stress include… 

• Unhappy memories of past holidays 

• Unhealthy relationships 

• Changes with traditions and events 

• Uncomfortable conversation at the dinner table 

• Personality differences 

• Financial stress when planning for the gathering 

To cope with the stress and anxiety during the holidays, it will be beneficial for us to identify when boundaries need to be established with family. Setting boundaries helps us ensure we have our needs met and allows us to promote healthy relationships.  Boundaries can also protect our mental and emotional health by allowing us to assertively communicate our personal limits, needs, and values.

 So, what does a healthy boundary look like? Here are few examples of healthy holiday boundaries: 

• Say yes to holiday parties simply because you want to and not out of obligation. 

• Asking family members to not discuss politics or heated topics.

• Clearly communicate your needs and expectations. 

• Limiting social media time when surrounded by family.

• Notice when you need a break and give yourself the space to regulate any emotions you may be experiencing.  

If you noticed that it’s difficult for you to set boundaries effectively or you struggle to cope with stress and anxiety during the holidays, it may be time to consider seeking professional support from mental health counselors. A therapist can provide the guidance and tools that will assist with identifying your needs and helping you set the necessary boundaries to navigate the holiday season in a less stressful manner, giving the opportunity to enjoy family gatherings. Here is list below to get you started:

How to set boundaries: 

• Before we approach the holidays, take some time to reflect on and clarify your needs, values, and limitations.  

• Write them down so that they are clear to you before communicating them to others.

• Communicate your boundaries by using “I” statements when expressing how certain conversations or events make you feel.

• Establish your boundaries in a respectful manner, being mindful of your tone and non verbal communication. 

• Boundaries also serve the purpose for practicing self-care. Examples include taking breaks when needed during the family gathering and practicing mindfulness or relaxation techniques.  

• Consider what is in your control and what is not. We cannot control the actions or words of others, but we can control the boundaries that we set and how we maintain them.

• Remember that setting boundaries will be uncomfortable for others and there may be resistance in the beginning, but this is when we remember to prioritize our needs and limitations by being consistent.  

As you reflect on your needs, values and limitations, communicate your boundaries, practice self-care, and practice consistency, you will be empowered as you navigate the holidays in a way that brings enjoyment rather than worry.

Written by Laura Nava, LPC Associate; Supervised by Jenai Tidwell, LPC Supervisor