Navigating Grief at the Hap-Happiest Time of the Year
Grief is hard. During the holidays, when it seems like all the world is in a state of joy and celebration, it can also feel like an unfair burden that you are expected to carry quietly and discretely to preserve others’ comfort, traditions, and normalcy. The pressure to be both in the celebration and of the celebration can be overwhelming, even when it comes from people who love you and care about you and just want to make sure that you don’t feel alone. There can be a lot of “shoulds” and “should nots” coming from others when you are in bereavement. “You shouldn’t be alone on Christmas.” “If you want to feel better, then you should help someone who is less fortunate.” The intentions are good, based on genuine love, and driven by authentic kindness. To someone who isn’t grieving, this may seem like practical and socially responsible advice. If you are grieving, then you have my permission to ignore all of it and create Holiday Plan B.
Step One: You are allowed to cancel Christmas.
To quote one of my favorite writers, “Christmas. Some years it happens. Some years it doesn’t.” If you don’t feel called to celebrate, then don’t. Listen to your gut and follow your instincts. Christmas can be just another Wednesday, except you don’t have to shower, put on real clothes, or leave your pet alone for most of the daylight hours. If you are feeling called to eat cold cereal and rewatch your favorite horror movie while cuddling with your cat or giving your partner a simultaneous foot massage, then do that. The above also applies to any and all of the eight nights of Hanukah.
Step Two: You can skip the parties.
If you are feeling lonely, then being at a celebration with your family or family of choice may not be the solution. A friend of mine lost her father around July Fourth. At the first family Christmas without him, one of her cousins made a casual but thoughtless comment about how nice it was “for the whole family to be together.” She left in tears. The first Hanukah after my father died, I was on a Zoom celebration call with friends, and one of them asked me how my “parents” were doing. Reminding her that my dad died eleven months before brought my vibe down pretty quickly. At a time of the year when connection is most deeply valued, the desire for solitude may be seen as something problematic or unhealthy. If you are dreading having to navigate interaction with other people, then solitude may be your healthiest option until your heart and mind are ready to reengage. You get to decide when you want to be around your loved ones again.
Step Three: You do not have to feel grateful for anything.
As we are being told to count our blessings at this time of year, the inability to feel thankful for anything because a person you love and value was take from you is normal. You do not have to apologize for it or feel guilty about it. There will come a time when you can feel gratitude and appreciation again. You will be thankful for your life and the many blessings that surround and sustain you. It will happen. It does not have to happen how.
Step Four: You do not have to plan for the year ahead.
Choosing to abstain from the “New Year, New You” mentality is fine. A year without resolutions is still meaningful. As we are being encouraged to reflect on the year that is behind us and embrace the opportunities of the year that is ahead, the desire to avoid both remembering and aspiring may leave you feeling directionless or adrift. Just keep in mind that your loss has already started shaping you into a new version of yourself. Getting to know that “New You” is part of your grief journey, and you do not have to add losing 10 pounds, learning French, or meditating every day on top of that. Being the “New You” is enough.
Step Five: You can be in the world but not of the world.
There are many ways to enjoy the Holiday Season in small doses and superficial ways. You can go to your local shopping mall and look at the pretty lights and the beautiful decorations and enjoy a warm beverage without ever engaging in a meaningful conversation. You can sponsor a disadvantaged family and have the excitement of giving without the burden of receiving at a time when you may feel too emotionally vulnerable to handle it. You can make your traditional dish for the family dinner and drop it off, knowing that you are nourishing the ones you love even as you take space to care for yourself. You can eat your holiday meal at a local restaurant and leave an obscenely generous tip for your server. You can find a church or a synagogue and attend a holiday service that will expose you to a new faith or belief system. The options are limited only by your comfort zone and your initiative.
Step Six: You can start new traditions of your own that serve who you are now.
Traditions can provide comfort, but when you are grieving, they can also remind you that the person you love is no longer there to share them. Some holiday traditions may need to be set aside for a while. Some may never return. As you process your grief, you can cultivate new traditions that fit the reality of your life now and meet the needs of those you love in meaningful ways. If you are early in your grief, those traditions may be about healing and accepting. As your grief journey continues, those traditions may become about remembering and celebrating a life that was valued. Traditions do not have to be complicated or somber. You can choose to watch your loved one’s favorite holiday movie with a glass of your favorite wine. You can take an updated family holiday portrait that includes the family dogs in ugly sweaters. You can start hosting the Second Night party that your grandma is no longer around to plan. You can take a trip to a new city with your partner for New Year’s and then take another one next New Year’s. You can make warming shelters for the community cats in your neighborhood and take your children for a walk every night to check on them. Whatever has meaning for you will suffice.
Happy Holidays. May love offer you comfort and time bring you peace.
Written by Deanna Diamond, LPC
