Trauma Bonds and Attachment Styles: Why We Keep Going Back
Relationships can be tricky, even under the best of circumstances. But when we throw trauma into the mix, things can get really complicated. Have you ever found yourself in a relationship—whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial—where you feel stuck, even though you know it’s harmful? Maybe you’ve tried to leave, but something pulls you back. If so, you might be dealing with a trauma bond.
In pop culture, we often see relationships that reflect this pattern. Think of Harley Quinn and the Joker. Harley’s loyalty to Joker, despite the toxic and dangerous dynamics, illustrates what trauma bonding can look like. On the surface, it makes no sense, but once you dig deeper, the psychological mechanisms become clearer.
What is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond forms when there’s a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement, creating emotional dependency. Typically, trauma bonding happens in relationships where there’s manipulation, abuse, or significant emotional harm. The highs in the relationship—those moments of love, connection, or even apologies—are so intense that they overshadow the lows, like the emotional abuse or mistreatment.
It’s like being caught in a rollercoaster you can’t get off. One moment, you’re plummeting, and the next, you’re at the peak. You start to associate the highs with feelings of safety and love, even though they’re part of a harmful pattern. Over time, this can create a bond that’s hard to break, leaving you feeling trapped in a cycle of pain and temporary relief.
How Attachment Styles Play Into Trauma Bonds
Attachment styles, developed in childhood based on early interactions with caregivers, can explain why some people are more susceptible to trauma bonds. In The Notebook, Noah and Allie’s passionate, sometimes turbulent, relationship gives us a glimpse into attachment dynamics. While their story is framed as romantic, it also highlights how people with insecure attachment styles might become entangled in emotionally intense, yet unstable, relationships.
Here’s a breakdown of the main attachment styles and how they can influence trauma bonds:
1. Anxious Attachment Style – People with an anxious attachment style often have a deep fear of abandonment. They crave emotional intimacy but are constantly worried about rejection. When involved in a trauma bond, someone with this style may cling to their partner, excusing bad behavior out of fear that leaving would mean losing love altogether. They might be the ones constantly texting, apologizing for things that aren’t their fault, or always trying to “fix” the relationship, even when the issue is the other person’s toxic behavior.
2. Avoidant Attachment Style – Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to keep their emotions at arm’s length. They’ve learned to rely on themselves, often shying away from deep emotional connections. In a trauma bond, an avoidant person might stay because the intermittent affection or attention feels safer than committing to a deeper connection. They rationalize the relationship as something they can control or downplay its significance to avoid confronting the depth of harm they’re experiencing.
3. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment Style – People with this style live in a state of push-pull—they want connection but are terrified of it. This attachment style is often the result of early trauma, so someone with a fearful-avoidant style might find themselves easily drawn into trauma bonds. They alternate between pursuing emotional closeness and pushing their partner away, creating a chaotic dynamic that fuels the bond.
4. Secure Attachment Style – Someone with a secure attachment style is less likely to get caught in a trauma bond because they have a healthy sense of self-worth and expect respectful, consistent treatment in their relationships. However, even secure individuals aren’t immune. Factors like emotional manipulation, isolation, and a partner’s intense charm during the “honeymoon phase” can draw them into unhealthy dynamics.
Why Breaking a Trauma Bond Feels Impossible
If you’ve ever tried to break a trauma bond, you know how hard it is. Leaving a toxic relationship isn’t just about walking away; it’s about undoing layers of emotional conditioning. Trauma bonds create a sense of dependency, making you feel like you need the other person to survive emotionally, even though you know the relationship is harmful.
It’s like Ross and Rachel from Friends. The constant back and forth, the “We were on a break!” drama, and the rollercoaster of emotions might remind you of your own experiences with relationships that just won’t quit, even when they should. Even if the stakes are lower in Friends, the emotional turmoil is real and relatable.
Breaking free requires more than just willpower—it involves recognizing the bond for what it is, understanding your attachment style, and seeking support. Therapy can be a game-changer here, helping you unpack why you’re stuck and giving you tools to heal and move forward.
Moving Forward: Healing from Trauma Bonds
The first step toward healing is acknowledging that you’re in a trauma bond. It’s hard to admit that a relationship you’ve invested in is harmful, but recognizing the patterns is empowering. Building awareness of your attachment style can also help. Are you clinging out of fear of abandonment (anxious)? Are you distancing yourself emotionally to avoid vulnerability (avoidant)?
Once you understand the root causes, it’s easier to start breaking the cycle. Here are a few strategies that might help:
• Set Boundaries: Learning to say “no” is essential. Boundaries help you protect yourself from getting sucked back in.
• Therapy: A mental health professional can help you explore why you’re drawn to these types of relationships and offer coping strategies.
• Surround Yourself with Support: Friends, family, or support groups can provide the encouragement you need to stay strong and move forward.
• Reconnect with Yourself: Sometimes, in trauma bonds, we lose sight of who we are. Rebuilding self-worth and confidence is key to staying out of toxic patterns.
Trauma bonds aren’t easy to break, but with the right tools, you can free yourself from the cycle and start building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Understanding your attachment style and breaking free from trauma bonds is like rewriting your own story—because you deserve a relationship where love isn’t painful. Just like in the movies, you have the power to decide how your story ends.
Written by Antonio Wilson, LPC-Associate
Supervised by Jenai Tidwell, LPC Supervisor
