Confessions of a Couple’s Therapist : “Do we really need counseling?”
One of the most common questions that one partner will ask me in the first session of couple’s therapy is whether I think they need therapy. This one-sided skepticism is something I have grown used to as a therapist. Unless there is a major crisis or betrayal threatening the stability of a relationship, one partner is often confused about their partner’s desire for therapy. Culturally, there can be a perception that couple’s work is only beneficial to prevent a divorce or a breakup, usually in the face of a major event or shift that both partners see as a threat. Because of that belief, couples often wait until they are in an active crisis to finally address their issues, which have often been brewing and building for years. Therapy can be a useful intervention in these situations, but it can also be an amazing tool to redirect a relationship before a crisis develops. Most couples can benefit from therapy at multiple stages of a relationship, and my approach in couple’s work is to take the emphasis off the “need” for therapy and focus on the benefits of doing the work. If one partner wants to be in therapy, that is usually a sign that there are struggles which may become threats to the relationship if they are not addressed.
One partner suggesting therapy is often a sign that this person has been attempting to get a need or want met in the relationship, often without success. The way the needs are being communicated is not effective, and the person may desire support to help advocate for change, build better communication tools, and increase the sense of connection in the partnership. This is absolutely a valid reason to seek counseling. There is no crisis, but there is some disconnect that can usually be resolved or negotiated. Unfortunately, to the other partner, the request to go to therapy can be misconstrued as a criticism of their behavior, a statement of unhappiness with the relationship, or a sign of their failure as a partner. That tendency to hear “You’re a bad partner” in response to “I want us to go to counseling” is a natural and understandable reaction, but it is a perception, not a fact.
Even if you think things are fine, your partner is expressing dissatisfaction, and it can be hard not to perceive that as a failure on your part. Thinking that you have disappointed your partner in some way is uncomfortable to sit with, and that perception is often one of the first issues that needs to be unpacked in couple’s work. I must often remind my clients that when there is some type of barrier in a relationship, it was probably built by the beliefs and behaviors of both partners. The request to go to therapy is often made because both partners are falling into patterns and habits that are not serving the relationship. When one partner suggests counseling, the other partner has the right to decline, but I always urge taking this request seriously. Even if you do not perceive a need to “work on the relationship”, your person is being vulnerable and open with you about a desire for some type of change. To deflect or dismiss the request may be received as an act of invalidating the other person’s feelings and perceptions.
Looking at behaviors and beliefs that are impacting the relationship is only part of the therapy process, though, as context is often just as important. When a couple goes through a major life shift, or one partner experiences a significant change, it impacts how they relate to one another, and this is sometimes the primary motivation to ask a partner to go to therapy. The birth of a child, the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or the relocation of the family for the benefit of one partner’s career can all disrupt a relationship, but neither partner may have the ability or understanding to articulate that. One person may be struggling while the other is thriving. Seeking outside support to navigate those dynamics is also a perfectly valid reason to go to couple’s therapy. Again, there is no existential threat to the relationship, but both parties may benefit from learning some new tools and skills. The couple may not “need” therapy, but they can benefit.
Taking the emphasis of off therapy as something “necessary” for the relationship can help to frame it as something that has the potential to benefit the relationship. Therapy is one option that is available to couples who want a little bit more from their dynamic, even if that desire is initially one-sided. Asking your partner to go to therapy can be a very vulnerable act that is not about a relationship that is in crisis. Receiving the suggestion in the same spirit of openness and vulnerability is about being willing to support your partner’s desire to explore the relationship with another person to offer guidance. It is not an accusation that you “need” therapy.
Written by Deanna Diamond, LPC
Want to schedule an appointment with Deanna? Click here for her calendar!
